Boba Wrap

Today I am super grateful for my boba wrap. I haven't really been using it since I got my ring sling. I even thought about getting rid of the boba because I haven't been using it. Well, today has been pretty rough for Finn. He's been fighting sleep for the past few weeks and he was just refusing a nap. I, as a stay at home mom of 3, can't just hold him for hours on end AND get everything I need to get done. So I pulled out the ring sling and put his little fussy butt in it. He fought it so hard. I couldn't get a seat to stay because he kept popping it out. So since the boba is a little more snug and a lot easier to mess with than a ring sling with a fussy baby, I put him in that. He whined for maybe 5 mins and then passed out. I was able to get what I needed done and the baby also got to take his nap. He lost a sock somewhere along the way though lol so I'm gonna have to find that. So, thank you for being a friend, boba stretchy wrap. We appreciate all the work you do ;)

Also, here's a picture....because....baby feet, duh!

My friend died last night...

Over the past several hours I've been processing the loss of my Tardis. I'm glad that I didn't find him myself. I'm a pretty sensitive person and I am not sure how I would've handled it. From what I am told though there is no possible way he could've suffered. He passed instantly. I take comfort in that.

I'm sad that I can't remember the last interaction we had. Whether it was a passing meow, or a little pat on the head, I don't remember. Obviously I wasn't expecting to not see him again.

I'm mad that people can be so careless with their driving. I get that accidents happen, but they shouldn't. Tardis had been an indoor/outdoor cat for a very long time. He was smart. I have witnessed people flying down my street with no regard to their surroundings and I'm willing to bet that's what happened to him.

I keep expecting to see him laying in his car seat on my porch every time I go outside. I have to remind myself he isn't going to be there and it really fucking hurts.

He may have been a cat but he was very much my friend. I can't help but be emotional losing my friend. I really loved the guy. My kids loved him. Fortunately, they are young so they don't really understand it all. But they are still sad because he was their friend too. Even Will is torn up over losing him. He was family.

Tardis will forever hold I special place in my heart. I feel lucky to have been his family. I'm happy he chose us to spend his life with...and I'm really going to miss him. That's all.

I'm back...

....and I'm exhausted.

On April 21st my 3rd precious little boy was born. They were unable to administer the spinal block for my csection so I had to be put under. I was terrified. The thought of it still scares me. I didn't get to see him for hours after he was born but when I did I immediately fell in love. I got to take him home the same day I was released. It sounds like small potatoes but it really wasn't. Both of his big brothers had to spend time in the NICU so when I left the hospital it was without them. It felt so surreal to have my baby at home with me.

After a couple days at home something seemed kind of off about my baby. Something I had never seen with either of his brothers. I noticed he had a hard time sleeping on his back. Ok, no problem. We'll just let him sleep in his swing for a little bit and work on getting into his bassinet. 6 weeks later he is still in his swing.

I noticed when he was eating for some reason he would start crying with nipple in mouth and for no apparent reason whatsoever. 6 weeks later he still does this.

I noticed he was extremely gassy. Extremely gassy and holy cow fussy. Not even fussy. SCREAMING. I had convinced myself it's the period of purple crying no big deal. However, I started to notice it's consistency. Every night starting at 7 pm and lasting till 1 am, like clockwork. Nothing soothed him. I started to connect the dots as did his pediatrician. Colic. 6 weeks later...it's improving thanks to gripe water/gas drops, but still a major part of our daily lives.

I noticed he was becoming very constipated. Pediatrician switched his formula from Similac sensitive to soy. Then I noticed it running out of him like water. One extreme to the other. His doctor diagnosed him as having a milk protein allergy. 6 weeks later he is now on alimentum...what his ped nurse refers to as "the Cadillac of formulas" due to its $30 a can price tag.

I noticed that he often would stiffen up his body and grunt very loudly. I noticed he would gulp and gasp for air. No matter which formula he was on he would spit up about 6 out of 10 bottles. After doing some research and going for an upper GI test, we have a diagnosis. Reflux. This goes hand and hand with the random crying while eating as mentioned above. This along with the colic makes day to day life rough. My baby is not happy. When he isn't asleep he is screaming his little head off. He has become hoarse. He sleeps for maybe 20 minutes at a time during the day and a few hours at best a night.

I'm tired. I'm tired for myself, sure. I'm more tired for my little baby. When I said I fell in love with him I really meant it. It hurts to see someone I love so so much miserable and in pain every waking (and sleeping) moment. I want to cure him and make him feel better. I want to take his pain away. I'm feeling helpless because I can't do that.

As of right now, this is the norm:
-alimentum formula mixed with rice cereal (peds order)
-gripe water and gas drops alternating with each feed to help with gas and colic symptoms
-Zantac prescribed by doctor for reflux

This breaks my heart. My Itty bitty little baby has to take medicine to limit his pain. He has to have rice cereal at such a young age to help with the pain. He has to have otc medicines to help with his gas pains.

This is supposed to be such a happy time for both of us. All I can do is sit here at 4 am, cry with him, and hope as hard as I can something helps soon.

Return of the unexpected

Its been awhile since I've been here. Life has been a blur since I last posted. I really am trying to be a less shitty blog owner. Maybe that's my thing. Maybe I am supposed to post once a year, and be done. I just don't know how so many mom bloggers do it. Especially the ones with full time jobs on top of being a parent! I can barely find time to brush my hair, let alone write up an entire blog post every week! But...I am here. I at least wanted to make sure to finish my series of unexpected events from this summer. So, sit back and settle in. This last part is a doozy!

The month in between my missed surgery and my new surgery date was hard. Harder than before. I could hardly stand while I was at work. I was constantly doubled over in pain. I had hard times getting out of bed because it hurt so bad.

The Monday before my surgery (August 18th) I went to the hospital to do my lab workup. They took my blood, weighed me, etc. The next night was my last night at work before I was scheduled to go on leave again. My surgery was set for Thursday and that was all I could think about that night at work. I spent most of the night sitting in personnel and crying. But I knew the pain was almost over.

The next day, which was the day prior to my surgery, I was off. I started my leave that day. I spent the morning in bed. My cell phone was broken at the time but I wasn't expecting any phone calls. I got a letter in the mail that day from my doctors office. It said;

"Please contact our office immediately in regards to your upcoming surgery."

I was certain it was something to do with my insurance as their was talk about it not covering the surgery previously. I felt like shit. But I had to call. The conversation went something like this;

Them: good afternoon, Ottumwa OB.
Me: yeah...hi...I just got a letter in the mail saying I need to call immediately.
Them: OK what is your name?
Me: Bethany B----
Them: OK yep, Traci wanted to speak with you please hold.
*on hold*
Them: Hi this is nurse Traci, is this Bethany?
Me:...yes
Them: well Bethany we are going to have to cancel your surgery tomorrow. Your lab results came back....and...you're pregnant, Bethany.
Me:.......*uncontrollable laughter*
Them:......

So needless to say, I was in complete shock! After thinking for so long I was unable to have more kids and then BAM when I least expected it! Since I am terrible at keeping up with my blog this is obviously pretty well old news. I am now 6 months pregnant with my 3rd little boy :) he is due April 22nd. His name is Finn :)

I am really going to try so much harder to keep up with this blog over this year. Forgive me if I am not around much in spring. I think I have a pretty valid reason not to be though. I am not super fashion blogging mommy extraordinare. But I will try :)

May the force be with you all.

The unexpected strikes back

After two weeks of torture, I finally had my OB appointment. After going through the whole rigmarole, he too thought endometriosis. The only sure way to diagnose the condition is by doing a diagnostic laparoscopy. He also asked if I would like to be put on fertility medication, but I declined because the father of my boys and I were no longer in a relationship. We were still "seeing" each other occasionally, but neither of us were interested in a domestic relationship with the other anymore. I'm sure that sounds terrible, but it is what it is. We were exclusively seeing each other and no one else. We just didn't want to be in a relationship. Other than coparenting, we barely saw each other. Anyway, I don't feel the need to go any further with that. It'll make sense why I did later.

Moving on, the surgery was set for July 21st, and again being the hypochondriac I am, I was nervous. I took two weeks leave from work for the surgery which was a headache in itself. My sister was my ride to and from surgery as I couldn't drive myself. The day of my surgery, she was in a very minor car accident. Minor as in she was OK. Her car was totaled though. I was unable to find another way to my surgery so I had to reschedule.

They couldn't get me back in until August 21st. Now I was faced with another month of pain, with no answers. It was very upsetting.

To be continued.. Again

Expect the unexpected

I had every intention to really step up my blogging game during the month of August. However, due to such an insane month, I had no time to visit my blog.

Let's get personal

In early July, I started having some severe pain...like period cramps, only nowhere near that time and a billion times worse. It was so bad I had to leave work early and go to the ER. Upon examination, the ER doctor said it looks and sounds like I might have endometriosis.

Endometriosis is a painful, chronic disease that affects at least 6.3 million women and girls in the U.S. It occurs when tissue like that which lines the uterus is found outside the uterus -- usually in the abdomen on the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and ligaments that support the uterus.This misplaced tissue develops into growths or lesions which respond to the menstrual cycle in the same way that the tissue of the uterine lining does: each month the tissue builds up, breaks down, and sheds. Menstrual blood flows from the uterus and out of the body through the vagina, but the blood and tissue shed from endometrial growths has no way of leaving the body. This results in internal bleeding, breakdown of the blood and tissue from the lesions, and inflammation -- and can cause pain, infertility, scar tissue formation, adhesions, and bowel problems.

So...I guess you could say that was some pretty scary news. However, since the diagnosis needed conformation from my OB, I tried not to stress until that appointment. I wasn't able to be seen by my OB for two weeks which is bad for me as I am a hypochondriac and a big time Googler of symptoms. Trying not to stress really didn't work for me. With google, everything did start making sense. Going a little bit further back to July 2011, 2 months after having my youngest son, I received the implanon birth control. I had NOTHING but problems with it. Due to that and wanting to have another child with my partner, we decided to remove it in July 2012. After two years of trying for baby #3, I was now facing the diagnosis of endometriosis, which as stated above can cause infertility. I was heartbroken.

To be continued.