Boba Wrap

Today I am super grateful for my boba wrap. I haven't really been using it since I got my ring sling. I even thought about getting rid of the boba because I haven't been using it. Well, today has been pretty rough for Finn. He's been fighting sleep for the past few weeks and he was just refusing a nap. I, as a stay at home mom of 3, can't just hold him for hours on end AND get everything I need to get done. So I pulled out the ring sling and put his little fussy butt in it. He fought it so hard. I couldn't get a seat to stay because he kept popping it out. So since the boba is a little more snug and a lot easier to mess with than a ring sling with a fussy baby, I put him in that. He whined for maybe 5 mins and then passed out. I was able to get what I needed done and the baby also got to take his nap. He lost a sock somewhere along the way though lol so I'm gonna have to find that. So, thank you for being a friend, boba stretchy wrap. We appreciate all the work you do ;)

Also, here's a picture....because....baby feet, duh!

My friend died last night...

Over the past several hours I've been processing the loss of my Tardis. I'm glad that I didn't find him myself. I'm a pretty sensitive person and I am not sure how I would've handled it. From what I am told though there is no possible way he could've suffered. He passed instantly. I take comfort in that.

I'm sad that I can't remember the last interaction we had. Whether it was a passing meow, or a little pat on the head, I don't remember. Obviously I wasn't expecting to not see him again.

I'm mad that people can be so careless with their driving. I get that accidents happen, but they shouldn't. Tardis had been an indoor/outdoor cat for a very long time. He was smart. I have witnessed people flying down my street with no regard to their surroundings and I'm willing to bet that's what happened to him.

I keep expecting to see him laying in his car seat on my porch every time I go outside. I have to remind myself he isn't going to be there and it really fucking hurts.

He may have been a cat but he was very much my friend. I can't help but be emotional losing my friend. I really loved the guy. My kids loved him. Fortunately, they are young so they don't really understand it all. But they are still sad because he was their friend too. Even Will is torn up over losing him. He was family.

Tardis will forever hold I special place in my heart. I feel lucky to have been his family. I'm happy he chose us to spend his life with...and I'm really going to miss him. That's all.

I'm back...

....and I'm exhausted.

On April 21st my 3rd precious little boy was born. They were unable to administer the spinal block for my csection so I had to be put under. I was terrified. The thought of it still scares me. I didn't get to see him for hours after he was born but when I did I immediately fell in love. I got to take him home the same day I was released. It sounds like small potatoes but it really wasn't. Both of his big brothers had to spend time in the NICU so when I left the hospital it was without them. It felt so surreal to have my baby at home with me.

After a couple days at home something seemed kind of off about my baby. Something I had never seen with either of his brothers. I noticed he had a hard time sleeping on his back. Ok, no problem. We'll just let him sleep in his swing for a little bit and work on getting into his bassinet. 6 weeks later he is still in his swing.

I noticed when he was eating for some reason he would start crying with nipple in mouth and for no apparent reason whatsoever. 6 weeks later he still does this.

I noticed he was extremely gassy. Extremely gassy and holy cow fussy. Not even fussy. SCREAMING. I had convinced myself it's the period of purple crying no big deal. However, I started to notice it's consistency. Every night starting at 7 pm and lasting till 1 am, like clockwork. Nothing soothed him. I started to connect the dots as did his pediatrician. Colic. 6 weeks later...it's improving thanks to gripe water/gas drops, but still a major part of our daily lives.

I noticed he was becoming very constipated. Pediatrician switched his formula from Similac sensitive to soy. Then I noticed it running out of him like water. One extreme to the other. His doctor diagnosed him as having a milk protein allergy. 6 weeks later he is now on alimentum...what his ped nurse refers to as "the Cadillac of formulas" due to its $30 a can price tag.

I noticed that he often would stiffen up his body and grunt very loudly. I noticed he would gulp and gasp for air. No matter which formula he was on he would spit up about 6 out of 10 bottles. After doing some research and going for an upper GI test, we have a diagnosis. Reflux. This goes hand and hand with the random crying while eating as mentioned above. This along with the colic makes day to day life rough. My baby is not happy. When he isn't asleep he is screaming his little head off. He has become hoarse. He sleeps for maybe 20 minutes at a time during the day and a few hours at best a night.

I'm tired. I'm tired for myself, sure. I'm more tired for my little baby. When I said I fell in love with him I really meant it. It hurts to see someone I love so so much miserable and in pain every waking (and sleeping) moment. I want to cure him and make him feel better. I want to take his pain away. I'm feeling helpless because I can't do that.

As of right now, this is the norm:
-alimentum formula mixed with rice cereal (peds order)
-gripe water and gas drops alternating with each feed to help with gas and colic symptoms
-Zantac prescribed by doctor for reflux

This breaks my heart. My Itty bitty little baby has to take medicine to limit his pain. He has to have rice cereal at such a young age to help with the pain. He has to have otc medicines to help with his gas pains.

This is supposed to be such a happy time for both of us. All I can do is sit here at 4 am, cry with him, and hope as hard as I can something helps soon.